I wanted to share something that my beautiful and wonderful wife wrote about recently.  We’ve been dealing with infertility now for 2 years.  And that started with the most heartbreaking experience of my entire life…watching the death of my own child.  I don’t post this for sympathy.  God has not only helped both of us personally through this experience, but he has helped our relationship grow even stronger.  Only God could bring such a great blessing out of such a horrific tragedy.    That’s what he promises for everybody who loves him…

Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose”

Anyway, we wanted to share this online for 3 reasons…

The first is because we want to encourage others who might be facing similar difficulties.  It’s not easy to suffer this kind of loss.  But a cord of many strands is not easily broken, and we want you to know that you are not alone!

Another reason for sharing is to help people who might have friends and loved ones going through this kind of pain.  We want you to be able to support your friends through their struggles and not put your foot in your mouth.  Job’s friends said some extremely hurtful things in trying to give him advice through his loss.  In situations like this, it’s often best not to make suggestions out of ignorance, but rather to demonstrate your love and support without added “helpful advice.”

Finally, and most importantly, we wanted to share our experience because of something the apostle Paul wrote about.  He mentioned a difficulty he dealt with and how he repeatedly prayed for relief from God…

2 Cor. 12:8-10 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, “My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.  Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

We really have found God’s strength in the midst of our weakness.  And since we have been praying that God would be glorified through this trial, we figured the more people who knew about what we have experienced, the more glory God would get because of it.  So without further ado, this is what my wife wrote:

A lot of dates stick out to me as important in my life.  I’ve always had a knack for remembering weird things, like dates, phone numbers, addresses, etc.  Sometimes it’s helpful; other times people look at me like I’m a freak for remembering such specifics.  These dates have been on my mind lately as I process what is going on in my life:

October 16, 2000 – the day I met my husband

I don’t really remember much about this day.  I know it was fall break, I was home from college, and my friends were trying to set Frog up with someone else who was already dating.  Needless to say, that didn’t work out.  He didn’t make that big of an impression on me.  He was just “Chris and Spring’s friend.”  🙂

May 15, 2002 – our first date

I was working at Chili’s one night when I saw a guy sitting a booth and smiling at me.  I realized that I knew him and it was Frog!  I went over to say hi and we chatted for a bit.  Before he left, he found me to say goodbye and ask for my number.  The next week we went on a picnic and to see the premiere of Star Wars Episode II at midnight.  I pretty much knew I was hooked after that night, even if he did take me to see a ridiculously long movie in the middle of the night.

May 10, 2003 – the day we got engaged

It was the night of Frog’s “surprise” birthday party, and I was not expecting a proposal.  We had been talking about marriage for awhile, but he told me he couldn’t afford a ring (liar!) so I was patiently waiting.  He wrote me a song, got some friends in on it, and proposed in front of many friends while I was cutting his cake.  I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to him, thinking he was being silly, till I heard the words “marry me” in the song and thought I should start listening!

February 14, 2004 – our wedding day

I couldn’t wait for this day.  Looking back, I wouldn’t say it was a perfect wedding day, but I knew that didn’t matter.  All we wanted was to be married and begin our life together.  I had no idea what that would entail.

November 5, 2007 – the day we agreed to start trying to have a family

For as long as I can remember, all I EVER wanted to be was a mom.  I know that when people would ask me when I was younger (and even in high school) what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said a mom.  My own mom must have been a good example for me, because I wanted to do exactly what she did, stay home, raise kids, and even homeschool them.  My parents forced me to go to college and get a higher education, so I decided to be a teacher in order to be prepared to teach my own children some day.

Fast forward many years, I was married and I wanted to have a family.  My husband had a lot of worries about being a father, so we put things off for awhile.  We spent a lot of time avoiding the question, “So when are you going to have kids?” (which I now realize is a very rude question).  I told people that I never wanted to have kids so that they would leave me alone.  I found out later that I had a lot of people convinced and they had given up hope of us ever having children.  Frog eventually realized how important it really was to me to have children (apparently I had him fooled, too?).  He came home one day and said he’d been praying about it and was ready to start trying.  I was so excited and sure we’d have a kid within a year.  I mean, who didn’t?  Everyone who wants kids gets them, right?

March 29, 2008 – the day we lost our first child

A couple days before this, I remember thinking that I would be so grateful for a child when I finally did get pregnant, since we had been trying for so long now.  I was actually about seven weeks pregnant at the time and never knew it.  Looking back, I should have realized, but I wasn’t one to test obsessively and get my hopes up.  I’ll spare you the details, but that Saturday morning was spent in two emergency rooms, taking an ambulance between the two, and being examined by no fewer than three doctors.  I found out that I was pregnant and, in the same breath, that I was having a miscarriage.  I will NEVER forget that day.  One, for the pain and sadness that I felt, and two, for the peace of God that I felt.  Sure, I questioned why in the world this was happening to me, but at the same time I could see how God was working and taking care of me all day long.  I was definitely devastated, and I can’t even describe all the emotions I felt that day.  If you’ve had a miscarriage before, you can probably identify, but I know all experiences are different.  Most are fortunate enough to not have to go to the emergency room and watch the doctor remove their baby and place him or her in a specimen cup.  I have always trusted God so easily, and I admit that this experience shook me up and really tested my faith.  I think I handled things well that day, but once the shock of what had just happened wore off, it got more difficult.

October 27, 2008 – our first appointment with an infertility specialist

So a year went by and we still had not had a successful pregnancy.  We tried to remain optimistic, but as that one year mark loomed before us, we figured there might be a problem.  I watched as friend after friend became pregnant and gave birth.  It seriously felt like every day I was hearing another announcement of someone’s pregnancy or birth.  We decided to see an infertility specialist to determine if there were any physical problems that needed to be dealt with.  Going into the appointment, I wasn’t sure what I hoped he’d find.  Either that everything was fine and I wouldn’t need any treatment, or that he’d find a cause and be able to fix it.  After many, many tests it was determined that I have slightly low hormone levels, which would prevent me from carrying a baby if one were to implant.  That was it.  Everything else looked great for the both of us.  We were sure that God had provided us with the solution to our problem…really expensive, really loathsome medication.  We were grateful though, that we didn’t need any surgeries or anything more serious done to fix a condition.  It seemed like a simple solution, and the doctor all but promised us we’d be pregnant by this Christmas (2008) or have a baby by next Christmas (2009).

October 26, 2009 – our last appointment with an infertility specialist

One year later, almost to the day, we found ourselves back in the doctor’s office.  The medication hadn’t worked, unless its primary purpose was to drain the life out of me and exhaust me.  It was awesome at doing that.  We had been through so many ups and downs.  Our friends were now having their second kid in the time that we had even been trying to have one.  We dealt with a lot of people’s well-meaning advice, which was actually just hurtful.  In case you were wondering, there are no statistics that prove if you just adopt a baby you’ll get pregnant.  You also cannot just take a vacation and magically come home pregnant.  Also, if you stop trying, you can’t get pregnant either.  Because, well, you need to…never mind.  And apparently we should just be grateful for the children that we have in our lives, even if they aren’t ours.  We stood by and learned of our students and youth group members getting pregnant and having babies.  It’s really easy to wonder where is God in all of this, when nothing seems fair.  The infertility specialist has said that we make him look bad, because there is absolutely no reason why we should not be pregnant yet.  Everything is working as it should be.  At this doctor’s appointment, we said we were ready to start pursuing other methods of having a baby, which we had discussed before.  The doctor decides to tell us that Frog needs blood tests done that he’s already had before, which run between $600 and $800, and we can’t have any procedures done until they do the same tests.  And that I also need to have a bajillion more tests done (I’m really surprised I have any blood left at this point).  At least my tests are covered by insurance, but since we didn’t find out about them until now, we can’t move forward with conceiving a baby.  Then we found out that the doctor’s office doesn’t do any procedures in December, so we are looking at next year before we can get anywhere.  I can’t even get refills on the medication I have been taking for an entire year until these tests are done.  To top it all off, the one test that Frog has had done, they lost the results of and he will need to do it again unless he can come up with them.  We left feeling more frustrated than ever.

Today – where I’m at and what I’ve learned

I am SO thankful to have God in my life.  I don’t know how in the world I would have gotten through these past two years without Him.  He has given me peace and reassurance and hope that I cannot describe.  I have definitely had periods of time where I felt the opposite of all that.  I remember one time I was unhappy about something and Frog told me to pray about it.  My response was, “Like that’s going to do any good.”  As soon as I said it, I couldn’t believe that I had.  I couldn’t believe that I had let myself become so cynical about the power of prayer, just because God hadn’t yet answered my prayer in the way I wanted Him to.  I’ve wanted to go back and start over and erase everything that had happened on this infertility journey, just so I could get my way.  Would that make me a happier person?  Probably not.

I know that God lets NOTHING go to waste.  He will not allow something bad to happen to me that He will not use for good.  Some days I find it easy to trust Him, and other times I have to CHOOSE to trust Him.  I let myself get worried and worked up over the circumstances I’m in, and I forget who’s really in charge.  In my heart, I really only want what God wants.  If God wants us to have a large family, then I am all for it.  If He wants us to never experience parenthood, then I KNOW I will be ok.  He is so much greater than I am and sees so much more than I can.  He knows what’s best for me, and if I’m willing to let Him, He’ll make it happen.

Would I go back and change anything in the two years we’ve been trying to have a family, if I could?  I don’t know.  I wish so much that our first child would not have died.  I would have a one year old today.  I imagine how life would be different and what he or she would have looked like.  I’m looking forward to meeting him or her in Heaven someday.  But, as weird as it sounds, I’ve become grateful for the infertility.  I don’t want it to last forever, but I’ve learned so much and grown so much that I have a hard time seeing it as an evil thing all around.

It has forced me to depend on God.  I can do nothing without Him.  Well, I can, but it doesn’t work out.  🙂  I’ve learned more about God’s character, love, and faithfulness to us.

I am more sensitive to others in my same situation.  I cannot even describe how wonderful the friendships are to me of those who are experiencing or have experienced infertility themselves.  I don’t ask stupid questions or make rude comments when people don’t have children, because I know the pain that it causes.  I believe God has used me to reach out to others who are hurting from infertility, and He has put others in my life when I was the one hurting.

I have learned about forgiveness.  This is because of the stupid questions and rude comments that I hear from people.  Most of the time they are unintentional, but if I were to hold a grudge against someone because of their ignorance, I would only be hurting myself.

I didn’t think it was possible to love my husband even more than I already did, but I do.  We have grown so close through this experience.  He has been my rock, my strength, my voice of reason at times.  I love knowing that he is behind me 100%.  I am so thankful to God for giving me a husband who is incredibly understanding and patient.  Part of the reason this is so difficult is because I know what a wonderful father he would be, and it hurts to not be able to see it in reality.

What started as frustration after all of last week’s appointments, turned into another, “Ok, God, I see what you’re doing here” moment.  He is always faithful and always sustains me, even when I feel like there’s no way out.  I was so discouraged thinking we would have no chance of getting pregnant till next year sometime.  Then I began to think that maybe God is the one who caused all of hassle with last minute tests and insurance changes.  Maybe He is trying to strip away any possibility for doctors to get any glory from this.  I hope and pray that this month is when God decides to show up and bless us with a child.  I can say that it will all be because of Him, because we can’t use any medical interventions to help us.  All along I’ve prayed that no matter what happens that God will use our situation to bring glory to His name and to bless and encourage others.  I think now would be a perfect time for that!  But, even if He doesn’t decide to do that, I will still love Him, still serve Him, and still praise Him.  He has been too good to me to do otherwise.

Feel free to leave any comments, if you will be praying for us, or if this has encouraged you at all, or if you just want to say hi.  Thank you for reading and thinking of us.  We appreciate your prayers so much and know that they have supported us.

***Check out the update to this story HERE.

So the other day me and mi linda esposa, Jenna, were at WalMart to get a couple picture frames and a B-day card for Chris–his birthday is next Sunday!  Anyway, we also were thinking it would be nice to have a couple new pillows for our bed. (You know how pillows get flat and hard after too many years of use?)  So while we were looking at pillows, we also looked at sheets.  We had 1 set of bedsheets that we use all the time, and they have always been a tight fit on the mattress–they barely cover the whole side of the mattress.   So we figured, ‘We’ve got a little extra in the household budget, let’s get some new sheets.’  The really nice 400 thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets were on sale for $35.  So we got ’em.  With the taxes, they were a little less than $40.

Pretty exciting, right?  Ok, here’s where the plot thickens:

This lady starts checking me out…because we had taken all our stuff to the checkout lane.  Anyway, she bags everything up and and we cart it out to the car.  But something wasn’t right.  The total on the receipt was less than what I thought it should be–by about $40.  So we took a closer look, and sure enough, somehow the sheets never got rung up at the register.  So now I’ve got a choice to make; do I keep the sheets as a gift from the benevolent WalMart corporation that was kind enough to put them in a nice plastic gift bag for me…or do I go back in and pay for what the checkout lady missed?  As soon as I asked that question, I already knew the answer.  My conscience told me the right thing to do was to pay for what I wanted to keep.

I grumbled about it.  Even as I walked back into the store, I thought about how much I was spending on being honest.  I wondered how much difference this would make.  $40 is didley to a multi-billion dollar operation like WalMart.  They certainly aren’t going to notice or care about what I was doing.  I wondered how much it mattered to God.  I know he always wants us to do the right thing.  But was this something he’d be really happy about or simply satisfied that I did what was right?  I didn’t do it for a reward or for recognition, but I did plenty of bad things in my life B.C. and it would be super cool to know anytime that I did something to really make God happy.  I would pay way more than $40 anytime I can make my relationship with God closer.  The more I hear from him the better my life gets. So my real question was, did I gain anything for being honest–besides bed sheets?  What does $40 worth of honesty get you?  You can’t buy God–he owns the universe.  His law says to be holy, so being honest was simply my duty to him.  But does the fact that I was faithful in this small matter help connect me any closer with my Savior?

I shared all these thoughts with Jenna on the drive home, and she pointed out the fact that actually listening to and obeying God’s leading on my heart would promote more leading from God.  Jesus said “Those who love me are the ones who keep my commands.”  And he said when we are faithful with the small things he asks us to do that he will bless us with bigger things.  So listening to the still small voice of God’s Spirit in my heart, and doing what was right, demonstrated my love for God and proved to him that I was faithful in this way.  So he now has that much more reason to bless me with more of his trust.  What a cool thought–something as small as that could improve my relationship with the Almighty!  Not that he ever loves me more or less, but to prove my faithfulness in service to God–even in a small way, just makes me feel good all over.

God has blessed us with more than enough to get by.  We can sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets.  When most of the world lives on $1 or $2 a day, I feel extremely blessed.  So we prayed in the car, on the way home that God would help us to always be as honest as he has been generous to us.  He has given an overabundance to us.  So we can give an over abundance of honesty and faithfulness to his commands.  In the grand scheme of our lives $40 is a tiny drop in the bucket.  But the priceless rewards for righteousness are worth more than any bank could hold in its vaults.

I thank God for the opportunity he presented to make that choice to pay for the sheets or not.  It was a great chance to stop and think about all the blessings God has given us and how much doing the right thing is really worth in life.  May your life be filled with moments of doing the right thing in big ways and small.  And may you know an abundance of God’s blessings through your faithfulness!

PS. My father-in-law pointed out that if you want God to bless your marriage bed, you shouldn’t sleep on stolen sheets!